On My Own
by TrippleZeroItalics
Summary: Remus reflects on the happenings in the Department of Mysteries. Based on On My Own from Les Miserables. Oneshot, OotP spoilers. RLSB


Warnings: Slash, character death/OotP spoilers.

Disclaimer: I don't own the song or Harry Potter, unfortunately.

_Sometimes I walk alone at night  
When everybody else is sleeping  
I think of him and then I'm happy  
With the company I'm keeping  
The city goes to bed  
And I can live inside my head._

_- On My Own – Les Miserables_

12 Grimmauld Place was eerily still and silent when they returned; each more speechless and terrified than the last. There was not a word any of them could say to make it better as they entered with a tense silence.

"What? What is it?" a voice cried out, terrified at the air they emitted, no less.

But one could hardly notice the hysterical cries of Molly Weasley, or his workmates consoling her sobs, or even the worried set of eyes on him as he pushed himself upstairs and fell into the dead man's room absently.

Remus Lupin was numb all over. He couldn't feel his legs as he burst into Sirius Black's bedroom and fell onto his knees. He couldn't feel the gash in his side where a dark curse had skimmed him amidst the chaos. He couldn't feel the signals his brain was sending to the rest of his body. He couldn't feel his heart beating anymore.

He felt no tears or lump in his throat as his mind replayed the devastating scene over and over again.

He had been momentarily distracted from his duel with a masked Death Eater by a flash of green light – just in time to see the last moment of Sirius Black. It was possibly the most terrifying thing the werewolf had ever experienced in his entire life – and he had experienced a lot of extremely terrifying things.

The green flash smashed into Sirius' chest, and his humourless smile (one that Remus had grudgingly grown accustomed to after his lover's many years in Azkaban) was suddenly pale and horrified, eyes wide.

And then, just like that, his eyes flickered and rested on Remus for a split second before he fell back through the shadowy veil.

Remus waited, waited for him to come back through the other side, and while half of him knew better, he couldn't help but hope. It was the last chance he had.

But Sirius didn't come back.

It was at this realisation that the wolf tore him apart, and before he could calm it, Moony had lurched forward, and he was restraining a struggling Harry, wishing desperately that he could shove forward into the veil behind Sirius. But he had to stay, if only for Harry.

The first moments without Sirius' presence were a blur, only breif flashes remaining in memory. Despite this, Remus knew the feeling he had felt would never, ever leave him.

His last friend, life soul mate, lover, had been ripped from the Earth – and so had part of Remus. The pain was so unbearable – worse than all of his transformations put together. It was all too much to handle.

"Sirius," Remus croaked, crouching over his knees, curling inwards, burying his head in his hands. Trying to hide from everything that he'd had to face in his life – all of the terrible things no one should have ever had to face.

And he had taken it all! He had taken it all without complaining, because he'd found love so early! But now… now even that had been snatched away from him, and it was worse than anything he could have possibly imagined.

It was love, souls two of the same, _fate_. And now he was all alone again. No where to go, no one to turn to. He hadn't just lost his lover – he had lost his best friend, his pack member, his sole reason for walking the earth to this day.

And it wasn't _fair_! Sirius didn't _deserve_ to die, especially like that, now! It should have been _him_! If any one should have died tonight, it should have been _him_!

The wolf was howling hysterically in his mind, stronger than it had ever been despite it not being anywhere near full moon. But Remus couldn't concentrate; he couldn't think.

So he cut it off entirely.

Remus had never been able to silence the wolf before – no matter how hard he tried. But now there was no trace of Moony; the werewolf had joined the rest of him – numb and lost. And yet he couldn't bring himself to ponder or care.

Slowly, after what could have been minutes or hours, he rose.

Without really thinking of what he was doing or where he would go, Remus grabbed the nearest travelling coat – whether it was his or Sirius' he needn't know – and descended the stairs cautiously.

"Remus," his hand froze on the doorknob of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black entrance at the sound of his name, so gravely spoken. He closed his eyes gingerly.

"I'm… sorry," Nymphadora Tonks seemed desperate to speak to him, but was flailing in a sea of lost, worthless words.

"Please," he begged desperately, needing her to see he couldn't handle any company at the moment. The hand on the doorknob tightened.

"I don't want you to go," she blurted quickly in a small voice.

"Neither do I. I didn't want a lot of things to happen tonight, but they did. And I just really need to be on my own right now." The words were distraught, ridden with pain, and shaking with the risk of breaking down in front of innocent eyes. But he couldn't. He had to clamp off all feelings – it had always worked before, after all.

So he turned the knob and stepped out into the cold air.

The clouds were weak tonight – transparent, few and far between as they were. The moon was bright and half-full, casting a shadow of silvery light on the world.

And then there were the stars; the stars twinkled brighter than he could ever remember in his life. Shining and shimmering, accompanying the moonlight with their full potential and then some.

But there was one; one particular star that shone the brightest and boldest against the clean night sky.

Sirius' star.

And though he knew it was only in his mind, Remus Lupin imagined Sirius Black's presence beside the star as he walked long into the night, guided by the bright star and the spirit of the one he would always love.

* * *

A/N So, what did you think? It's my first fanfiction, so please be gentle! I'd really love some constructive criticism.  
I'm a little skeptical with this though, as death angst really isn't my strongest area, but I was using inspiration from the first song that came up on shuffle, and that's just how it came out. Thanks for reading!

TZI xx


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